Your wedding should be perfect, right?

Oh, hi. NYTGroom's fiancee, here. And I'm here to tell you that this wedding is MY day, and NO ONE can take that away from me. MY DAY. The day I have been DREAMING about since I was FIVE. And I want EVERYTHING I have been dreaming of. It has to be PERFECT. Sorry, groom. You don't get a say - it's not like you've been dreaming of your wedding since you were a little boy, right?

Hold up. When you say it like that, it sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it? Unfortunately, I think that's the mindset of many brides as they approach their wedding planning. (The TV show Bridezillas is obviously an extreme, and of course reality TV skews and plays to the audience, but it's a pretty good cultural reference for what I'm talking about here.) I think we have some things to blame for this, most notably: a) the patriarchy and b) unchecked capitalism.

Women are told since they are small that they are supposed to dream of a giant, expensive, poofy, perfect wedding day. Why are we told this? Probably so we'll spend a fuckload of money on that day and keep the wedding industry afloat. (Interestingly, similar to the reason we're told we're too fat no matter what - so we'll keep the diet industry from crashing.) It also fits with gender stereotypes - women are the ones who want to settle down.

Little boys aren't told this because they're supposed to view marriage as some sort of ball-and-chain deal - sow your wild oats, boys, and then finally find a girl you can bring home to mom. Marriage isn't supposed to be fun for men - it's just something they ultimately get roped into. Exhibit A:

For me, being a non-traditional bride means not buying into these stereotypes and expectations. I'd never marry someone who thought marriage was a "game over." I'd also never go into a wedding planning process excluding one of the people getting married. I expect Tony will be a big part of this process, and I welcome that. I can't wait to argue with him about our recessional music.

And finally, I don't have any illusions about my wedding day being perfect. No day is perfect, and that's okay. Shit will go wrong. It might rain. Maybe the white rubber on my converse will get scuffed. Probably the food won't be gourmet, because it's going to be cheap. I don't give a flying fuck about what the invitations look like.

Whatever. Honestly, I'm more interested in planning a successful marriage than I am in planning a successful wedding. Of course I want to throw an awesome party, but the most important part of the day is getting to marry someone I love with all my heart. If everything else went wrong but that went right, it would be okay. I'm ready to roll with the punches, and I'm not willing to spend 20K to make sure that every last bit of everything is perfect. As long as both Tony and I show up, we're golden.

Recommendation: Everyone in the wedding planning process should read One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead. It's super eye-opening.

A sensitive subject which WEIGHS us all down

Welcome back to NYTGroom!! My wonderful fiancee pointed out to me tonight that NYT, in addition to standing for Not Your Traditional, could also stand for New York Times. To which I replied, "I know". It was somewhat intentional. I was kind of hoping that someone Googling the New York Times would come across this blog. Yes. I'm sneaky.

Anyway, back to the real reason for my post tonight. This is a very sensitive issue for a lot of people in the world. The issue of weight. Invariably, whenever someone tells you that they're getting married, someone, whether it be that person or the one they're telling, will mention having to lose a few pounds. But, why does it have to be that way?

First off, whether you are a bride or groom, having someone else tell you that you need to lose a few pounds before your wedding is exceptionally insulting. It's kind of rude. Not to mention the fact that it adds MORE anxiety on top of a situation in which there is already a ton to begin with.

Think about it. There's so much that's going to be going on during the wedding day. Hair, makeup, getting dressed, walking down the aisle, making sure you repeat back exactly what's asked of you, that first kiss after you're married in front of all those people, the first dance, the cake smooshing into a face. It's a lot of friggin pressure.

The last thing anyone wants on top of that is: "Should I have lost that last 5 pounds?"

Here's the thing. Why do you have to lose that "last 5 pounds"? What does it really represent? Is it going to make your dress fit better? Are you going to look slimmer in that suit/whatever?

The simple answer is: NO.

Final fittings for wedding dresses are typically a couple weeks before the wedding. You know what's going to happen if you lose more weight between that fitting and the wedding? Your dress will not fit right. It'll be too big.

For guys, it's actually kind of worse. If you're wearing a tux, you get fitted for that anywhere from weeks to months before the big day. Then, magically, your tux shows up at the rental shop a day or two before your wedding. That 5 pounds just brought you from a nicely fitting tux that you're wearing, to a nicely looking tux that is wearing you.

What I'm trying to get at is that it doesn't matter if you lose those 5 pounds or gain them. Who cares? As long as you're happy with who you are, nothing else is important. So, maybe you don't "fit" into that stereotypical vision of what a modern day wedding is.

I know I won't! And I'm perfectly happy with that. You should be too. You, and I'm speaking to whoever may be reading this, are an AWESOME person! Fat, skinny, tall, short, it doesn't matter. You rock and you should NEVER let someone else's vision of "ideal" screw with your own.

Peace
Tony

NYT Groom Fashion. aka "I don't wanna wear a tux!!!!"

Ok, I know it's been about an hour since I made my first post, but I just couldn't help myself tonight. This post is going to be all about Groom Fashion. I know for a lot of guys, hearing themselves associated with fashion in any way does not conjure pleasant thoughts. However, think about it this way guys: Your wife to be is going to look absolutely STUNNING in her wedding dress. Don't you kind of want to at least TRY to get up to her level?

Anyway, for most guys, when they think of getting married, they just figure they'll rent a tux with a vest that matches the colors of the whole wedding. Now, don't get me wrong. This is a purely acceptable way to go about your planning for your big day. You will most likely look like this:



But, if you're reading this blog, you don't want to look like that. The main thing I'm going to stress to you, no matter what you decide to wear, is to BE COMFORTABLE. You may be used to wearing suits and tuxes and this will be a walk in the park for you. Not so for a lot of guys.

Now, I've been known to wear a suit before. If I may toot my own horn, I look damn GOOD in a suit. But, to quote a good friend of mine, "You gotta do you." What does that mean? Well, if you don't normally wear a suit, why should you wear one on one of your most important days? Because someone said it has to be formal?? Psshhhhht!

I'm still working on what I'm going to wear to my own wedding, but I do know one very important thing. These are the shoes I'm wearing:



Yes. Converse mother-f'ing CHUCK TAYLOR'S!!!! Why? Two reasons.

1. I'm a rock star. Well, maybe not a big time rock star, but if you read my first post, you know I'm a musician in a hard rock band. We're awesome, and you know it. You also know that my bride-to-be and I are planning a "rock & roll" motif for our nuptials. What's more "Rock" than a pair of Chuck's??

2. I'm a dancing fool. Some people say it looks like I know how to dance. I just move to the music however it tells me to. If I'm going to be dancing all night, I want something comfortable on my feet. Remember how I said "BE COMFORTABLE"? This is why.

Again, some guys will want to wear a tux with very nice dress shoes. That's perfectly acceptable, and in a lot of circles expected. But again, that's not me. No matter what you do, be comfortable and enjoy your day.

I know I'm going to enjoy mine!!!

Peace
Tony

Tired of all the traditional BS?? Me too!!

So, before I get into the "meat" of this blog, I wanted to give you a little background on myself. This way, you know that I'm not completely full of it.....only, maybe, 75%. My name is Anthony Cruz, also called Tony, or TonyC in some circles. I'm a Supervisor in a large electric utility, I have a degree in physics, and I'm a big dude. Yes, I have extra pounds on me, but even without those extra pounds, I'd still be larger than most people I know.

Besides all that, I'm a musician in a hard rock band. I play bass. I sing (kind of). I have tattoos and piercings, but only my ears. My tattoos are dragons and a phoenix, but I plan on adding the Superman "S" to that real soon. Yes, I am a nerd and I don't care.

The bottom line is that I'm just like the vast majority of people out there. We're all truly unique in our own ways. You can travel across this world and out of the 7 billion people, you can find 7 billion completely different individuals. So, keeping that in mind, why does it seem that the only kind of weddings that get any press or notice are the traditional ones???

"But Tony," you may argue, "Aren't you forgetting about sites like Offbeat Bride?"

No, I'm not. There are MILLIONS of websites out there for the bride. Many of them traditional. Many of them non-traditional. You know how hard it is to find a website for a groom that doesn't want to fall into the "just wear a tux and you're good" pattern? EXCEPTIONALLY HARD!!!

Which is why I'm creating this blog. There needs to be a place for like-minded grooms-to-be to come together and share thoughts and ideas about their own BIG DAY. Because, contrary to how the wedding industry likes to portray it, this is your day day too. Why shouldn't you get involved in the planning? Why shouldn't you care just as much as your lovely fiancee? You should.

Let me repeat: YOU. SHOULD.

Let me speak from experience, and this is very important. This is the single biggest reason why you should at least pay some attention to what I have to say. I have been married before and subsequently divorced. Now, I am engaged again.

Bottom line: I have experience. I've been there. I've done that. Let me help you, just like I'm hoping you help me.

My first wedding was traditional. It was all right, but it wasn't me. Of course, at that time in my life, I wasn't who I would eventually become.

I do not want to make those same mistakes again. I want to be involved. I want to go over the save the date cards, the invitations, the color schemes. Why? Because it matters.

And here's a little hint: when you show some interest in all this, your fiancee will only love you more. Guaranteed.

I was perusing Etsy for ideas to fit into my own "Rock & Roll" motif for my upcoming wedding. When I showed my fiancee some of the things I was looking at, she died a little inside from happiness. Trust me boys, it's a good thing.

Anyway, I plan on using this blog to detail my own wedding plans, as well as dispensing advice on topics I see fit. Feel free to shoot me an email or comment here if you've got something you'd like advice about or if you feel like sharing some of your own insights.

Come on, boys!